


Unreachable

by andiwould



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, Anniversary, Bathing/Washing, Court Sorcerer Merlin, Courtship, Denial, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Feelings, Forbidden Love, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Jealousy, M/M, Magic Revealed, Merlin is Court Sorcerer, Not Happy, One Shot, One-Sided Relationship, Pining, Romance, Slow Build, Tragedy, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-05
Updated: 2013-04-05
Packaged: 2017-12-07 13:25:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/748995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andiwould/pseuds/andiwould
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s been ten years since everything changed, since Albion was born. Since Merlin’s life turned upside down, when the bonds of a friendship were cut down and replaced by those of duty, when Merlin stopped assisting Arthur every morning and night and started only seeing him at council, at banquets and fests; when he stopped sharing jokes and smiles and learnt to live with only furtive, frustrating looks reminding him that what he most wanted was the one thing that he couldn’t have.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unreachable

**Author's Note:**

> Huge thank you to [messyangel81](http://messyangel81.livejournal.com) for the great beta read :)
> 
> *Merlin and Arthur are not endgame in this story.

Once a year for the past ten years, Merlin is reminded of the most important person he lost. The only person he once wished he could have, and give his heart to, but was never allowed to.

It’s the same day each year, and Merlin has learn to live with it. With the silent ache inside his heart and the burden of his regrets in the back of his mind. He’s had time to perfect the forced smile he presents in public, to train his body not to give him away sometimes, and he’s had time to replace all the bad memories with more pleasant ones.

It’s been ten years since everything changed, since Albion was born. Since Arthur broke the laws and established his own, crowning a maid his queen and naming a servant his court sorcerer, marking the beginning of a new era. It’s been ten years since Merlin’s life turned upside down, when the bonds of a friendship were cut down and replaced by those of duty, when Merlin stopped assisting Arthur every morning and night and started only seeing him at council, at banquets and feasts; since he stopped sharing jokes and smiles, and learnt to live with only furtive, frustrating glances reminding him that what he most wanted was the one thing that he couldn’t have.

It’s been five years of slow courting, friendship, and one-side love, and another five of the blooming of scary feelings, of healing and new emotions, and a renewed beating of his mistreated heart. And it’s all been thanks to Gwaine. Gwaine, who is flirty, stupidly attractive and has the dirtiest mouth, but who is tender and wonderful and incredibly faithful and patient, and who has warmed his way inside Merlin’s heart. He doesn’t deserve him, because even when he knew Merlin didn’t love him, Gwaine never gave up. And he was the continuous receiver of unfair blows and shouts, he was rejected over and over and then always came to satisfy Merlin’s selfish whims and pleads, only to be pushed away once more afterwards. But all through the drama, Gwaine never abandoned Merlin. And now Merlin loves him for it, because he healed him, and because he’s everything Arthur could never be, but in a different way, in his own way.

Today before the celebration of the king and queen’s anniversary, Merlin bathes leisurely, asking that Gwaine shave him and shaving him in return, laughing, being as carefree as Merlin isn't used to, acting irresponsible to the point of risking arriving late to the banquet, simply enjoying each other's company locked in one another's embrace, kissing and forgetting about obligations for a day. 

Arthur catches them in the tub, tangled in each other and breathless with joyful laughter, and Merlin stops playing then, body flushing in mortification, because he’s too old for this. He peers at the king, presented himself in his crimson robes, his best tunic and cloak; satin golden bronze crown in place, looking regal and handsome, already prepared for his day. Merlin feels the urge to yell at him, tell him that he may be the king and own the castle, but he ought to still knock on doors. But he doesn’t, it’s not his place. He doesn’t joke, tease or challenge Arthur anymore. Those days are no more. They have long been buried as old memories that could easily pass for illusions of fantasies these days. Instead he puts the basin and the knife down on the puddled ground and waits until his king finds his footing and speaks. He doesn’t apologise for intruding into a private moment, a king never does. His brow furrows and he promptly orders them to do what's expected of them and thus attend the celebration this time. Because Merlin’s been missing them for the last nine years, always leaving the castle year after year on that date, on an invented trip to the forest for a day, dragging Gwaine along with him, his friend, his lover, his saviour. Tumbling on the dirty forest ground, making love and celebrating their own affair until they were satiated. Unable to stay home and congratulate King and Queen on their marriage, happy or not. 

Arthur averts his eyes and commands his best knight and court sorcerer to take his duties seriously, as they ought to. So they obey. They attend the banquet in the King and Queen’s honour, and Gwaine puts his hand over Merlin’s on the table when it shakes for a moment after he's taken his seat. He conceals the trembling, comforting him, and Merlin feels that heartwarming wave of affection and fierce gratitude towards this perfect, beautiful man that’s always there to prevent him from falling, no matter what. Merlin twines their fingers together softly, watching them lock together until he feels the tightness inside his chest ease, until he feels just — right, complete. And he smiles.

But then he makes the mistake of looking up, just in time to see Arthur sitting stiffly in a seat across from them, his blue gaze fixed on their joined hands — his court sorcerer and his most courageous knight, united. Merlin doesn’t know the way Arthur feels anymore about it — about them, about himself, because they never talk these days. But they needn't to, his dissatisfaction, his sorrows, are crystal clear on his face. 

Merlin’s heart breaks into pieces for an instant when those eyes gaze up and meet his, because he can see all the emotions Arthur should not have, and all the feelings he ought to have suffocated over time as Merlin himself was forced to do, and all the unhappiness and heartache the crown that’s now placed upon his head has brought him.

But there’s nothing either of the two of them can do to change that.

It was never their destiny to spend their living days together, the dragon be damned. They were never made to be happy. They were meant to love each other, Merlin feels that deep down in his bones, but they were always meant to be tragically apart.

 

_~the end._

**Author's Note:**

> My first canon story and my first mergwaine as the main and final pairing :3


End file.
